Superintendent of Suburban School District with Delusions of Grandeur
The Shelby County (TN) Board of Education invites you to apply, if you are someone who can follow orders, for superintendent of a district where high-quality schools is our overall objective (after politics and religion).
Join us in a school system where the women are strong, the men are good looking, and all the kids are above average, as long as we only compare ourselves to the adjacent urban district.
Salary: Negotiable: we know how to jack it up even if our major funding source doesn't want us to.
Requirements: All applicable Tennessee certifications. Previous experience as a lackey in an educational setting crucial. If you are a woman or African-American, you can apply if you just don't have anything better to do, but it's just not that kind of place. If you are gay, you need to find God. Southern accent required.
Send letter, resume, and credentials to School Board Chairman David Pickler.
Reason for vacancy: Previous occupant decided these weren't the kind of people he wanted to be in a foxhole with.
Closing date for applications: March 13 (ok, we admit it, it's not really a search).
Our Motto: Preparing Students for Tomorrow…Today. (As long as it's a world of white Christians.)
Preferred Traits and Applicable Experience:
- Straight face: Ability to justify construction projects that just happen to create separate but equal schools – like a big white high school way up north and a black one down south.
- Lip syncing: Milli Vanilli should envy your ability to move your mouth when the school board chairman's speaks.
- Biblical: Ability to repeat the 10 Commandments (we're not so much concerned about the Beatitudes; they sound too liberal to really be Jesus' words).
- Pedigree: Extra points if you've ever been called "Bubba" at some point in your life.
- Warehousing: We like to build schools that stack thousands of students in them.
- Corrections Industry: We love to watch students pee and to test students' pee, particularly if they want to play sports.
- Myopia: Only compare student performance to urban districts.
- Eye control: Ability to not bat an eye even when you claim that a special school district is in Memphis' best interests.
- Ambition: We strive to be a world-class school system (as long as the world is West Tennessee).
- References: Please list any developers who can vouch for you.